so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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