he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
