I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
