Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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