Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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