I'm so fucking centered right now
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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