Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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