I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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