Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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