I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
