upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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