dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
