I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
