I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
