my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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