I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
