I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i wish my penis had a tongue
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
