my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
