the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
