Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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