When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
