If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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