My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
