Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
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