his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
