i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
