Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
