Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
