I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
sarcasm needs its own font
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
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