I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize