I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
