why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Will exercising make me less horny?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
