if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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