I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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