my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
