I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
