I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
