I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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