I can tuck mytits in my pants
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
