Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
