Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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