So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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