Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
