Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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