i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
How's work?
Spinning.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
