where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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