i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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