Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
