He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
