My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
