Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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