i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
There are leaves in my underwear?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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