Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
