I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
