apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
