Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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