you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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