there's paper in my vomit.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize