It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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