On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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