my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
