You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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