now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
